The pros and cons of quickies
Who benefits most from a quickie- and how to make them most effective!
After a small hiatus we’re returning with the all the best bits on quickies. So often life can be wonderfully busy and full with kids, friends, work and travel- but this can make it pretty difficult to prioritise time for sex. If this is you, or if you just want to change things up a bit- the quickie could be just the thing to avoid another busy season going by without squeezing in time for sex. Here we’ll lay out the pros and cons- who would benefit from quickies and, most importantly, how to make the most of it!
Let’s start with the cons- beware the quickie if one person's pleasure is consistently higher than another's (most commonly between cis men and cis women)
A cautionary note here for cis men and cis women having sex together: research tells us that longer sexual encounters are most likely to result in orgasm for cis women1, and that cis women give up their orgasm goals when they know there is a time pressure to sex2. This is not due to a gender difference in time taken to orgasm. It is due to the fact that when cis men and cis women have sex together that is conceptualized as a ‘quickie’, sexual acts that are less satisfying for cis women are often side-lined in favour of penetrative sex. This is okay if your motivations for sex as a cis woman on this occasion aren’t your own pleasure, but for something else you hope to gain, such as connection. However, this may also be detrimental if there is already an orgasm gap between you. Beware the quickie as a solution for being time-poor if it further highlights one person’s pleasure over another’s and continues to reinforce the idea of sex as an act with low reward for one person.
PROS- so many! But how to make quickies work effectively?
To combat the problem outlined above, your quickie might need to be one-sided – sex that’s just focused on one of your bodies so this person can get the touch they need. You might need to spend some time ahead of a quickie getting yourself in the mood so you already feel turned on. For example, by fantasizing on the way home from work or listening to audio erotica in the bath. You might need to practise communicating exactly what you want and when to make it super pleasurable and time efficient (‘touch me like this, harder, now move this way’). You might want to use sex toys to add to the speed of the encounter. You will need to communicate your desire for it to be quick, as otherwise how will your partner know?
The benefits of quickies aren’t just limited to time, as they also bring an injection of fun and novelty. Quickies can connect you sexually without much time investment. Try as best you can to separate sex from orgasms here also. Orgasms add to sexual satisfaction, but they are not essential for good sex. You might enjoy a quickie but not be able to come with a partner in that time frame. Does that matter? What might be the benefit of more sexual connection, even if fewer orgasms? After all, most people can easily orgasm alone, and we are often motivated to have sex with our partners for other reasons. Understanding your motivations for sex will be vital here. You might want to cross-check your common motivations for sex with the potential outcomes of quickies. You could, of course, negotiate giving quicker sex a go and seeing what impact it has for you both, positive and negative.
Which groups of people benefit most from quickies?
Quick sex can be most useful for:
Those who are time poor (especially parents- if this is you, we have a workshop!)
Those whose sex life has become 'samey' and are in need of an injection of novelty
Those who have longer sex sessions (particularly women having sex with other women who we know have sex sessions that last approximately three times longer than sex sessions that women have with men*)
If you fall into any of these groups (some of you will fit into all three!) we suggest you experiment with quickies and see if they can be another element of your sex life that adds to satisfaction!
*an average of 57 mins per sex session compared to 18 minutes
How to get the most out of a quickie to benefit your sex life.
These are taken from Dr Karen Gurney’s book How Not To Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life- also available in libraries- but are relevant for everyone, not just parents!
🕒Get yourself in the headspace ahead of time if you anticipate a quickie might be on the cards
🕒 Be efficient about your pleasure, whether that's use of toys or giving direction
🕒 Make the quickie focused on one person's body only, to maximise pleasure
🕒 Quickies can only be quickies if you communicate clearly that this is what you want. Make your desire for it to be quick clear to your partner
Enjoy!
Links and news:
The Happy Pear Podcast How does sexual wellbeing change throughout the course of life—especially after having children. Plus practical tips for maintaining a healthy sex life.
Is your pet getting in the way of good sex? Experts on the habits you didn’t realise were spoiling your sex life – and how to improve it
Do you have some time to help the University of Oxford with a study on sexual pain? They are looking for people who do and don’t experience sexual pain to fill in an online survey in order to develop better treatment options for individuals with sexual pain.
